I haven’t blogged in a month and, honestly, I have no real excuse.

Oh, I can give you excuses (I was sick; my man was sick; I was busy; I was tired; I was depressed), but none of them really amount to much considering all I have to do is drop a short paragraph into this thing and, ta dah!, I’ve blogged. There are so many things I’d like to talk about without really talking to anyone about them. My wedding. My feeling of failure. My constant feelings of dissatisfaction and malaise. Above all, my intense anger over any and everything that isn’t how I expect it to be. Lately, the anger itself has given into the malaise and boredom, but I’d prefer the anger just because it’s an actual feeling.

My man seems to think it is all his fault and that he isn’t entertaining me well enough, but I don’t think it’s him at all. He is wonderful and everything I’ve ever needed in my life. He’s loving and attentive to my every need. Being with him is a wonderful thing and I am glad to have found him. There are just other parts of my life that make me feel … tired.

My writing is non-existent. I’ve practically given up on it. I see no reason to continue with something that I can’t focus on for any reason. It’s not that I don’t want to write or that I don’t feel the need to write. I do feel those things. I get that familiar itch in my hand, the need to hold a pencil and feel paper beneath my fingers. I get ideas and sparks of things I’d love to see, but no will or energy to write. I’m tired of trying so I give up. I’m done. I’ll try to do the blogging thing, but that’s as far as I can take it anymore.

My gaming has slowed to a crawl. For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been playing in the “TAG Games,” an Olympic-like marathon of games on my gaming forum: TheAdultGamer.com. It’s been a hell of a lot of fun, but I haven’t been in the best mindset for it. I enjoy playing with new people and I’m glad to get to do this once a year with fellow TAGgers. I was drafted onto my team in the fourth round (probably because I was spamming chat with questions and comments) and it’s been a great ride. I’ve been the official cheerleader for our team and trying to round people up for new games that we’ve added. Happy Wars was a big hit with a lot of new people who didn’t know anything about it before I started harassing the group. Next year, I’m hoping for double the turn out since the teams can be up to 15 people each. It’s a great game to play. I’ve been able to achieve “gold” in Happy Wars and Gears of War 3 multiplayer this year and I’m excited to do so.

Otherwise, gaming has felt exclusively like a chore. I get on, because I’m bored or I have something slated to do, but otherwise I’m tired of gaming and that’s just weird. I never get tired of gaming. I love to play video games. That is my hobby. Now, it’s just boring and that’s sad.

I’m practically ready to give up on planning a wedding. Found out that a couple I know, probably call them acquaintances rather than friends, have set their wedding date for the 26th of October. I practically wanted to give up when I heard. Why plan for something that won’t be nearly as beautiful or meaningful to anyone else that I know? It puts tears in my eyes just thinking about it. I’ve been too scared to plan it anyway so this is just the last straw. If it weren’t for the fact that I have so many friend who are planning to attend, I’d just give up now and say the hell with it. It is important to me that the day is celebrated and shared with everyone I love, but the thought that it isn’t my special day alone just makes me sad. I know it’s stupid. I really do. It’s actually rather bride-zilla and I swore to myself that I wouldn’t do that ever. I don’t know what to do. I’m just so discouraged about  it all that I’ve given up on it as well.

Another thing that has been bothering me is my eating. I just can’t stop eating. I do it when I’m alone. I shove so much food in my face that I make myself sick. I don’t know why I do it or how to stop myself. I tried watching my intake for a while, but all that did was make my binging worse. I can’t bring myself to look at a dress, because of how I look. Yet another reason why I can’t bring myself to plan for my wedding. I don’t want to disappoint my man though.

I want to be happy, but I just can’t figure out how to get over all these negative thoughts and feelings. The anger was what scared me the most lately. Everything made me angry. Every little problem just made me so mad I’d cry. I’m constantly tired and have no energy. I don’t know what to do really. I’m lost and nothing is helping me fix the problem. I haven’t been doing the dishes or cleaning. I barely do any laundry. Honestly, my man has been taking care of everything around the house and barely gets anything in return for it. He’s such a good man. I suppose I’m just not truly happy unless I’m miserable and that’s a horrible revelation. I’d rather be happy when I’m happy.

I really don’t know how to change these things and it’s wearing me down.


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