The best advice I’ve received about my writing, so far, was given to me by a random person that I had never spoken to before. How they found my short blurb announcing to the world that I was giving up, I can’t say for sure, but I’ve thought about it off and on for a little while and realize that they are probably correct.

Do you write for the pleasure of it? Nothing should take it away from you if that be the case. Perhaps instead of writing for others to thread with you, write for yourself.

I don’t remember the last time I wrote for myself rather than for the amusement of others. I think that’s always been what’s on my mind when I do write. I’ve also had a struggle within myself about my writing. I want to tell a story that I love and share it with others, but part of me wants no one to ever read what I write for fear that they’ll criticize it. Criticism would only help me expand my writing and make it better, but I don’t like criticism. Criticism just discourages me and makes me not want to try again and that’s in all aspects of my life. Criticize any of my work and I no longer wish to do whatever it was that you were critical about. I suppose you could call me overly-sensitive.

My decision to quit writing cold turkey really hasn’t settled very well on me. I’ve tried not to think too much about it and I’ve been playing Defiance in order to try to keep my mind occupied, but the honest truth is that I don’t like it. I may not have been writing much before, but I was thinking about it and thinking about what I’d like to be writing. Now, I’m just bored. I hate being bored. Bored means I sit and eat whatever I can get my hands on. It’s a horrible cycle really.

So, now that I have this suggestion from some random person, I was thinking that I might actually consider writing for myself and not worrying about sharing. I mean, I’ll put the writing where I normally put it online just so I can access it from anywhere (so I say), but I’m not going to bug people to read it. I’m going to write just to feel the creative energies of writing again. I won’t stop writing something just because it sounds stupid or I might be criticized. Instead, I’ll write it just to get the damn thing out of my head and hope that, maybe, it’ll just make me feel better.

My hormones and my fears of the future have just compounded with this lack of writing to make me feel like I just don’t want to be around people anymore. I need to feel better. I’m being a horrible fiancee to my man and I just don’t think that’s fair. He does everything he can to make me happy and I’m not, but not because of him. I’m not happy, because I just hate myself. I look in the mirror and I don’t see the person I see in my mind. I don’t sound like the person I hear in my head. I am not happy with who I am and I just want to be someone different. My life isn’t horrible. I have a job, a loving family, and the most wonderful man I’ve ever met in my life. I just wish I wasn’t me.


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