Aaaand…. It’s Gone.

Posted: May 10, 2013 in Blogging
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It’s payday again and, well, the money is already spent. Again. For two checks in a row, I’ve had to pay bills and use pretty much every dime to make sure the bills were paid. I didn’t realize just how much it would be for us to live where we live. Were it not for the fact that my man gets our satellite for the price of working where he works then we wouldn’t have it at all. The internet alone is nearly seventy dollars (middle of fucking NOWHERE), but we use it more than we use the actual television. I mean, I use the TV now, because I now have several primetime shows that I love. Arrow, Supernatural (more him than me), Psych (I don’t like this one at all), and The Science Channel (definitely my channel) fill our home weekly. I am DEEPLY in love with Arrow. I have been following it since day one and enjoy the hell out of it. The season finale is next week and, Jesus, I’m looking forward to it. That’s well beyond the point I’m making, but I must spread the world of the great Green Arrow and how awesome they’ve made him on The CW.

This week we had an unexpected bill come up that rammed $400 more on my credit card. It wasn’t my man’s fault that his back breaks seized up and were locked, but thank goodness for the guys at the Sears Automotive Center for noticing it when they were putting on the new tires. He didn’t want to ask if I could pay for it, but this qualified as an emergency in my book. Brakes are a must. Without breaks, we have a car that slides through a stop light on a rainy day (happened last weekend). I hate using my credit card, because I’ve had bad experiences with a man that made me max my card out for him and didn’t pay me back. That’s why I am afraid of using it. I know my man won’t do that to me. He’s even made plans for getting that money back to me, but it’s just a crippling fear.

Some of the apathy has subsided, but there are still times when people mention things to me and I have no emotional response for them. A long time ago, I had an emotional response for everything. My life has tempered that and now certain things don’t bother me as much as they once did. I’m just tired of being tired, I suppose. I’m also tired of being me. I miss writing, but I knew that was coming. I did dig out my notebooks and throw away some of the writing that I didn’t care for anymore. It really pains me to read over my old writing. I don’t know why. I get embarrassed by it and embarrassment mortifies me. I guess that’s why it’s so painful.

The biggest problem right now is my man wants to make me happy and he feels defeated when my happiness stems from my self-esteem. He feels as if he should be able to fix it and, while I appreciate his efforts and his explanations, I just don’t know how that’s going to happen. He does happen to have a hero complex though and so he always wants to save everyone. It’s amazing having someone like him, but I don’t know how to handle it. After nearly ten years of being with a verbally abusive partner, I don’t know what to do with a man that treats me like a queen. It’s special and I’m happy to have him.

  1. Sister, dear sister. Every time I read your blog or a status update or a tweet, I feel bad. I can tell that you’re depressed and I understand what all that entails, as I’ve been there, myself. Luckily, I have the ability to talk myself out of it. Your situation reminds me of Allie from Hyperbole and a Half, who has been going through very serious depression as well. The way she explains her depression seems as if it would strike a familiar chord with you (minus being suicidal, which I dearly hope you’re not). Look her up:

    The reason for your recent financial down is probably because my shitty financial situation has really started to look up. Joseph paid me $300 back, I’m getting a 2% raise, and I’m getting a 1.5% bonus in July. That’s that universal balance bullshit for ya’. But that’s the way it works, living on your own. I pay SO MANY BILLS; more than all of my roommates combined (Ten bills a month. Eleven if you count paying mom back the now $700 I owe her.). And as far as using your credit card goes, remember what Stephen was having you buy: bullshit. Brakes aren’t bullshit. Stephen is bullshit. Lee is not bullshit. The fact that he even says he’ll pay you back shows how true this is, so don’t worry; don’t superimpose an old behavioral blueprint on him.

    Speaking of TV (which I wasn’t, but I don’t know how to segway…), I started watching Parks & Recreation. I totally suggest it if you’re into strange comedy. I’m all caught up on Raising Hope and The Neighbors (which I also suggest).

    Why do you hate you’re old writing? Wait, no. No, no. Why should you like your old writing? I remember my old writing (with that Gary Stu, Tannis Gainesborough) and UGH! Why did I pick that godawful name? I don’t really even like FF VII that much. But I do remember copying you and wanting to write like you and now I think I do, in a way, however skewed by my pretentious, smutty, and frivolously gay worldview. I promise you have it in you, lady. Why not try writing shitty FF VI fanfiction with me? I still need lots of help with a story and I’d love some input (even though I usually hate input, I’d still listen, promise). Maybe looking up story development techniques would help, too. They helped for me.

    Love you, sis.

    • I don’t consider myself suicidal. I don’t want to die. I just don’t want to be me.

      I was going through my financials and 1) I had a short pay check due to the weekend I took off and 2) I had a little extra on the phone bill due to adding Lee’s line to my phone. Prorated charges and all that, but, overall, we’re going to be paying at least $50 less per month for our phones.

      I don’t know why I hate my old writing, but your faith in me is nice. Thank you.

      I love you too, bub. 🙂