From The Ashes

Posted: February 14, 2014 in Blogging
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So, not long after my last post, I managed to destroy my laptop. You wouldn’t believe what I did. I accidentally kicked the damn thing off of my ottoman and, though I caught it before it bounced really hard, it did hit somewhat heavily on the end of the power cord. I think that knocked something in the hard drive loose, because, a few moments after I sat it back onto my little desk, it failed miserably. We’ve had our repaired laptop back for a few weeks, but I haven’t been in a blogging mood. I haven’t been in any kind of mood really.

I think I’ve given up completely on trying to keep any creative outlet. Writing is no longer a pleasure. It’s more of something that I do, because I feel like I have to do it. I want to enjoy writing again, but I think there’s just too much going on in my real life to try to write any kind of drama in a pretend world, no matter how badly I need to do it.

My husband’s job is closing down in May.

I’ll give you a moment to digest that.

We found this out Tuesday. His HR department called and left him a message in a panic. He called back and found out that the company was moving their jobs from here to South Carolina. We really don’t need this right now. I was taking a nap when I heard him talking on the phone. I sat and listened and realized what he was saying so I went into the living room to try to comfort him. I know it was a shock, because it was a shock to me. Thankfully, they gave everyone notice this time (yes, this is the second time this place has closed). They’ll begin layoffs on April 11th so he has about two months to find a new job. The relief from just that alone has been helpful, but, otherwise, it’s still a stressful time in our house.

I think he main stress for me is that I don’t want him to settle for the first thing that comes alone. From the way he’s talking, he’s accepted that he’s going to take this minimum wage job that he’s applied for and stay there. I want him to pursue every option possible and, if he can, get on at one of the food factories that are here close by. He could be making almost as much money as I do and not feeling like he isn’t contributing to the household. We could pay bills off more quickly and have money for the things that we want rather than just what we need. He says that he feels like he’ll be trapped and die in a factory job, torn down by the hard work and long hours. I don’t understand why he thinks that. My dad has done factory work since he was 19 and he’s fine. Tired sometimes, but fine. Plus, he makes excellent money. My father makes more money than I do as a medical professional and, with all the stress money gives me, I would feel better if he would take a job where he made real money rather than minimum wage.

The minimum wage is not a livable wage. It isn’t meant to be. It’s meant for kids getting their first job to use to learn responsibility. It isn’t meant to be a way to support our household and, with all the bills that we have, we really need more to live. I could barely keep the budget balanced with him making half what I make and, now, I’m going to have to figure out where our food is going to come from. He blames the entire problem on himself for going back to a company that we knew had dropped everything once before. The true problem is that all the bills are mine. Every one of them has my name on it. Yes, the new car is both of ours, but the college loans are mine and the credit card is mine. Those three bills are our biggest problems. I feel like I’m a failure, because I can’t get these things paid off fast enough. It’s a tough problem and it’s stressing me out super hardcore.

I’m afraid of what might happen. Thankfully, we’re going to be getting into warmer weather within the next month and our bills will come down for those. I’ll be able to open the windows and everything. I love opening the windows. I just don’t know how we’re going to be able to afford the things we need. I’ve got a quote for his medication and, if I can save $75 a month, we’ll be able to pay for his 90-day supply every quarter. This, I think I can do, but, basically, we’re going to have to use our savings. I have $150 in savings, because of a problem with him owing money to the bank (long story) and it’s going to get wiped out every three months for medication. I’m not angry at this at all. I just wish I could do something different. I wish our lives could get better rather than worse.

This is my stress. I can’t do anything about it either. It’s just there and it will stay there. I’ve got not cure other than finding a job for the days of the week that I’m off and, while he’s told me not to do it, I’m considering it just to make sure we don’t ever run the risk of losing our car. I want a cushion. I want to afford health care and medication. Hell, I skipped going to the doctor when I probably had pneumonia, because I knew it would cost money that we didn’t have. I knew marriage was going to be hard, but I didn’t think things were going to get this hard so quickly.


  1. Oloriel says:

    Hang it in there!
    I really wish everything envelops good for you and your family.