Archive for the ‘Blogging’ Category

Anxiety

Posted: April 26, 2014 in Blogging
Tags: , , , , ,

I don’t know what it is about my daily life, but it seems like everything gives me anxiety anymore. Have to send a text to someone? Anxiety. A phone call? Anxiety. Walking into a room to draw blood? Anxiety. Time at home with the hubby? You guessed it: anxiety.

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My husband has gotten me playing World of Warcraft lately and, honestly, I’m enjoying it. I used to think that WoW was the devil. It was an addictive thing that took time away from real things, but now I’m not as militant about that. I was wanting to play WoW this morning, but it’s Tuesday and that means it’s down until this afternoon for maintenance. My husband hogs the laptop to play the game and then, when I finally pry it away from him, it’s maintenance day. 😦

He’s worried himself sick about this job thing, literally. He had to call out Monday and that only made it all worse. I’ve decided that I shouldn’t put that much pressure on him. I shouldn’t ask more of him than is available. If he can’t get anything that makes more than minimum wage, then that’s fine. At least he’s contributing to the household. I can accept that and we can try to move up from there. I’ll start saving for my certification exam and I’ll make the move to find a better paying job. That’s the best way to go. I should push to better myself and my situation in order to make sure our lives together are better. I can’t fix him; I can only fix myself.

Otherwise, things are okay. We acquired a kitten a couple weeks ago. He’s adorable and I love him. Lee named him Zero and, other than a gimpy leg and some stubborn ear mites, he’s a healthy little squirt. Adorable, playful, and full of energy. He’s been a nice distraction from what all has been going on with us. Our tomcat, Houdini, has been slowly warming up to Zero. They’re playing together right now and it’s adorable watching ‘Dini run from a kitten that has a gimpy back leg and is, literally, a third of his size.

Oh, I went to town yesterday and got two new pairs of shoes. I’ve been holding onto a gift card since my wedding and have kept telling myself (and my assistant) that I was going to go to town and get a new pair of shoes, but I hadn’t. This weekend my assistant suggested that we go shopping. She needed to go to town to get some things for her daughter’s pagent Saturday and knew I needed to go get shoes. We planned to meet at the mall and spend the afternoon shopping once her daughter got out of class.

Oddly enough, even with the kids being crazy, I had a good time. I don’t usually like kids, but her kids are great. They’re full of energy and pretty well-behaved. The six-year-old got a little cranky, but we were dragging her everywhere around the mall so I figure that was why. Plus, I was paying more attention to the baby, because she was fussy. She was the wiggliest baby I’ve ever seen and the only way to keep her happy was to keep her moving. I’m actually pretty good with kids even though it’s an awkward thing for me. I’m not a “mommy” person. I’m more of a “fun aunt.” Kids adore me, but I don’t know what to do with them. The baby was great though. I just pushed her around in the stroller while my friend paid and bounced her around while they shopped for pagent shoes. It was pretty easy. Doesn’t make me want any of my own, but I wouldn’t mind hanging with her again (even with the kids).

It was super awesome to go out with someone that wasn’t family or one of the boys. We did chick-ish things and just had an amazing time. Hopefully, we’ll go do it again and make it something we do every so often. Makes me feel somewhat normal.

So, not long after my last post, I managed to destroy my laptop. You wouldn’t believe what I did. I accidentally kicked the damn thing off of my ottoman and, though I caught it before it bounced really hard, it did hit somewhat heavily on the end of the power cord. I think that knocked something in the hard drive loose, because, a few moments after I sat it back onto my little desk, it failed miserably. We’ve had our repaired laptop back for a few weeks, but I haven’t been in a blogging mood. I haven’t been in any kind of mood really.

I think I’ve given up completely on trying to keep any creative outlet. Writing is no longer a pleasure. It’s more of something that I do, because I feel like I have to do it. I want to enjoy writing again, but I think there’s just too much going on in my real life to try to write any kind of drama in a pretend world, no matter how badly I need to do it.

My husband’s job is closing down in May.

I’ll give you a moment to digest that.

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I found out tonight that a friend of mine passed away in his sleep Friday night. When my husband told me, I didn’t believe it. I had to get my phone out and check his Facebook feed for myself. It was fully of sympathy notes and memories of a man almost three years younger than I am. I cried. In fact, I’m still crying. I hadn’t known my friend Matthew for very long, two years at most, but the loss was felt instantly.

I met Matt on Xbox LIVE. I don’t really remember how we met. I think my friend Chris had met him and brought him into our circle of folks that we routinely play Xbox with. I loved him instantly. If he was good enough for “The Circle,” then, of course, he as good enough for me. Matt was always fun and lively. He was always supportive and would have a kind word to say to you when you were down. We played so much Gears of War together that I considered him a well-tested “brother in arms” when it came to video games and Gears of War. He eventually drifted toward being “PC exclusive,” but we continued to chat on Facebook and Skype whenever we could. The last interaction I had with him was nothing spectacular. I had made a reference to the wonderful batch of lasagna that I made Thursday night and he had commented on how it sounded delicious. Oh, it was delicious and how I wish I could’ve sent him some.

Matthew Morley was from Australia, but his friendship crossed oceans and touched hearts around the world. He was an avid Final Fantasy XIV player and loved Final Fantasy XI and Phantasy Star Online 2. He challenged SEGA to bring their Japan-only exclusives to English-speaking fans with letters and petitions. He loved small furry creatures and cherished his dog Ying Yang. He like a bright light in your life when you were having a dark day and asked for nothing in return.

A bright and shining figure in the dark.

July 12, 1984 – November 16, 2013 — You will be missed, sir.

I decided to write his father a letter since I couldn’t do the Southern tradition of sending food to the family of the person that has passed. I was really unsure, but I did it anyway. I hope that my letter is well-received by his dad. I know that his dad has trouble using Facebook and I really wanted to offer my sympathy to him. Browsing the memorial posts has let me know that Matt’s mother also passed away some time ago so this man has lost not only his wife, but also his son. It’s heartbreaking and I hope that they are able to recover from it.

I hope that I can cheer up before we go to town tonight for Ender’s Game and the Xbox One release, but I don’t know. I’ll try, but it might be a bit before I’m okay with it.

Isn't it glorious?!

The tree my husband brought home.

I was talking to my husband today before he went to work and said that we should have a Christmas tree for our apartment. I decided that, for some strange reason, I really did want a tree. I guess I figured that, since this was our first Christmas as a married couple, I’d really like to have a tree to mark the occasion. He was against it. He didn’t want to deal with the trouble of a tree and I don’t blame him.

See, I don’t usually like Christmas trees. They’re too much trouble to put up and they’re only up for such a short period of time that I don’t typically care to do it. I usually just go to my parents’ house and help my mom with their tree the week after Thanksgiving. (She likes that.) We go help my husband’s mother with her tree when we get a chance. It’s just what we do.

This year, I guess I want it to be different. I think that, this time, I want to start our own traditions. I don’t want to stick with the old traditions of our old families. We’ve started a new family so new traditions are in order. Of course, I’m still going to stick with the old traditions a little. The “birthday box” will be welcomed with open arms. I tend to parrot my mother’s old “hoppy bird-day”joke whenever there’s a birthday in my group of friends and family. Otherwise, I’d like to see if we can make our own things happen. I don’t want our lives to be split between his family and mine. I want our lives to be our lives. I’m fighting to make it that too. I will not accept someone else ruling our life together. I love both our sets of parents, but he is mine and I am his. We are no longer just their children. We are a unit, a husband and wife, and we will do things together in our own way.

So, I made dinner tonight like normal. I played games with my buddies online. (Iron Brigade, the current free game on Xbox Live, is quite amazing. I’m loving it.) By midnight, I couldn’t figure out where my husband was, but I really wasn’t worried. Sometimes he’s a little late due to a long phone call or he goes by his parents’ house to pick something up. I did get a cryptic message asking if I preferred stars or angels, but I figured he was getting me something either Christmas-y or for Christmas so I didn’t think anything about it. When he got home from work, he opened the door and a long box was over his shoulder. My charming husband had brought me home a Christmas tree! There wasn’t much with it—two strands of tinsel, a tree skirt, and a box of five ornaments—but that’s not what matters. What truly matters is that my husband loves me so much that, even though he didn’t want to have one, he bought me a Christmas tree. I won’t lie, I cried when he sat it down. I didn’t cry, because I was upset. I cried, because I was happy. I do that. I don’t understand it, but I do it. I was so overcome by the happiness of the moment and cried.

Yoda from Star Wars: The Clone Wars

Yoda from Star Wars: The Clone Wars.

Thankfully, at his mother’s advice, he picked out a tree that was pre-lit with multi-colored lights so I didn’t have to do that part. I did manage to string the two strands of tinsel around to where they look decent. I put up the five Star Wars ornaments that he brought home and the tree still looks kind of naked, but we’ll fix that. We’ll add more ornaments every year until we have a tree full of gaudy bobbles. I’m all for the thing looking hideous due to having too many ornaments that don’t match at all. I’m one hundred percent ready for it.

So now, we have this neat little tree up in our living room. The cat has already tried to get under it and look around, but I’ve chased him off of it. I really don’t want him to knock it down. I worked damn hard on this thing and I’m proud of our little tree.

I look at this tree and I see the love that my husband has for me. He didn’t want a tree, but I expressed a need for it and he got it for me. That’s how I know our love is real.

It’s been over a month since I made any entries into my blog and, well, I have no real reasoning behind it. There was a two week period where I have a decent excuse with the wedding and all, but the rest is just, because I didn’t really feel like writing anything. I mean, I did feel like writing, but I didn’t feel like putting out the effort to put anything down onto media.

So, the week of our wedding was full of celebration and camaraderie. We had such a wonderful time with our friends and, even though our house was full to the brim with bodies, I felt so at home with all those folks. It was an experience that I hope to have again sometime with my friends. We’re all so close and that only proved to draw us closer. We played a few rounds of laser tag and my city friends got to explore the area that I grew up in. They had banjos and hillbilly accents in mind, but found that my tiny city in the south could be a pleasant experience. Several of them have decided that they’re going to come and visit again. I’m looking forward to that.

Pictures from the wedding…

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I missed this workshop, because I’ve been lazy, but I’m going to write a piece for it anyway. I give myself two weeks to finish it.