Posts Tagged ‘blogging’

Anxiety

Posted: April 26, 2014 in Blogging
Tags: , , , , ,

I don’t know what it is about my daily life, but it seems like everything gives me anxiety anymore. Have to send a text to someone? Anxiety. A phone call? Anxiety. Walking into a room to draw blood? Anxiety. Time at home with the hubby? You guessed it: anxiety.

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So, not long after my last post, I managed to destroy my laptop. You wouldn’t believe what I did. I accidentally kicked the damn thing off of my ottoman and, though I caught it before it bounced really hard, it did hit somewhat heavily on the end of the power cord. I think that knocked something in the hard drive loose, because, a few moments after I sat it back onto my little desk, it failed miserably. We’ve had our repaired laptop back for a few weeks, but I haven’t been in a blogging mood. I haven’t been in any kind of mood really.

I think I’ve given up completely on trying to keep any creative outlet. Writing is no longer a pleasure. It’s more of something that I do, because I feel like I have to do it. I want to enjoy writing again, but I think there’s just too much going on in my real life to try to write any kind of drama in a pretend world, no matter how badly I need to do it.

My husband’s job is closing down in May.

I’ll give you a moment to digest that.

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Isn't it glorious?!

The tree my husband brought home.

I was talking to my husband today before he went to work and said that we should have a Christmas tree for our apartment. I decided that, for some strange reason, I really did want a tree. I guess I figured that, since this was our first Christmas as a married couple, I’d really like to have a tree to mark the occasion. He was against it. He didn’t want to deal with the trouble of a tree and I don’t blame him.

See, I don’t usually like Christmas trees. They’re too much trouble to put up and they’re only up for such a short period of time that I don’t typically care to do it. I usually just go to my parents’ house and help my mom with their tree the week after Thanksgiving. (She likes that.) We go help my husband’s mother with her tree when we get a chance. It’s just what we do.

This year, I guess I want it to be different. I think that, this time, I want to start our own traditions. I don’t want to stick with the old traditions of our old families. We’ve started a new family so new traditions are in order. Of course, I’m still going to stick with the old traditions a little. The “birthday box” will be welcomed with open arms. I tend to parrot my mother’s old “hoppy bird-day”joke whenever there’s a birthday in my group of friends and family. Otherwise, I’d like to see if we can make our own things happen. I don’t want our lives to be split between his family and mine. I want our lives to be our lives. I’m fighting to make it that too. I will not accept someone else ruling our life together. I love both our sets of parents, but he is mine and I am his. We are no longer just their children. We are a unit, a husband and wife, and we will do things together in our own way.

So, I made dinner tonight like normal. I played games with my buddies online. (Iron Brigade, the current free game on Xbox Live, is quite amazing. I’m loving it.) By midnight, I couldn’t figure out where my husband was, but I really wasn’t worried. Sometimes he’s a little late due to a long phone call or he goes by his parents’ house to pick something up. I did get a cryptic message asking if I preferred stars or angels, but I figured he was getting me something either Christmas-y or for Christmas so I didn’t think anything about it. When he got home from work, he opened the door and a long box was over his shoulder. My charming husband had brought me home a Christmas tree! There wasn’t much with it—two strands of tinsel, a tree skirt, and a box of five ornaments—but that’s not what matters. What truly matters is that my husband loves me so much that, even though he didn’t want to have one, he bought me a Christmas tree. I won’t lie, I cried when he sat it down. I didn’t cry, because I was upset. I cried, because I was happy. I do that. I don’t understand it, but I do it. I was so overcome by the happiness of the moment and cried.

Yoda from Star Wars: The Clone Wars

Yoda from Star Wars: The Clone Wars.

Thankfully, at his mother’s advice, he picked out a tree that was pre-lit with multi-colored lights so I didn’t have to do that part. I did manage to string the two strands of tinsel around to where they look decent. I put up the five Star Wars ornaments that he brought home and the tree still looks kind of naked, but we’ll fix that. We’ll add more ornaments every year until we have a tree full of gaudy bobbles. I’m all for the thing looking hideous due to having too many ornaments that don’t match at all. I’m one hundred percent ready for it.

So now, we have this neat little tree up in our living room. The cat has already tried to get under it and look around, but I’ve chased him off of it. I really don’t want him to knock it down. I worked damn hard on this thing and I’m proud of our little tree.

I look at this tree and I see the love that my husband has for me. He didn’t want a tree, but I expressed a need for it and he got it for me. That’s how I know our love is real.

It’s been over a month since I made any entries into my blog and, well, I have no real reasoning behind it. There was a two week period where I have a decent excuse with the wedding and all, but the rest is just, because I didn’t really feel like writing anything. I mean, I did feel like writing, but I didn’t feel like putting out the effort to put anything down onto media.

So, the week of our wedding was full of celebration and camaraderie. We had such a wonderful time with our friends and, even though our house was full to the brim with bodies, I felt so at home with all those folks. It was an experience that I hope to have again sometime with my friends. We’re all so close and that only proved to draw us closer. We played a few rounds of laser tag and my city friends got to explore the area that I grew up in. They had banjos and hillbilly accents in mind, but found that my tiny city in the south could be a pleasant experience. Several of them have decided that they’re going to come and visit again. I’m looking forward to that.

Pictures from the wedding…

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I haven’t updated in a while, because there really isn’t much to update. We’re not very far along on anything and that’s basically, because I tend to not focus on anything that gives me anxiety. Since it’s inception, the wedding has given me anxiety. Why? I have no clue. I don’t want to be anxious, but it really is a serious life change. I’m going to go from singular to plural again. I mean, I’m with my man now so I’m technically not single, but I go from “able to be functional by myself” to part of a family unit that will depend on the both of us to survive. I don’t know why I see it differently. I guess it’s just the thought of having no “escape” whatsoever. The deal is that I don’t need an escape from this man. He is amazing in every way that the others have not ever been, but anxiety has a way of twisting everything into something worse than it ever could be. I think that’s the real problem. I’m just super-anxious about everything going on right now: wedding, money, work, etc.

My mother and I are going shopping for my wedding dress and doing wedding-like things this weekend. I took the weekend off so we could do it and I am looking forward to that. The dress shopping, not so much. It’s going to be more of me looking at dresses and them measuring me to order one in my size. I only want to spend about $200, but I know that’s not going to reality. I’m far too large to get a dress for $200. It’s going to probably make me cry, but I’m going to be strong. I just want to focus on the things that will be nice like hanging out with my mom and, hopefully, my brother. I can do it.

Lately, I’ve been having these super-strong feelings that feel as if my writing muse is trying to get back into my head again. Part of me is too lazy to sit still and try to focus, but part of me is not wanting to get started on something that I know I won’t ever finish. I’ve had so many people being helpful and supportive in my writing here lately that it’s hard to ignore my own personal muse. It’s like she’s knocking on my brain and wanting to be let back inside, but I’ve got this snowbank that’s been blown up to the door. I’m home and I want to let her in, but the snow is so deep that I can’t get the door open to get her back inside. I’m tired and I feel old, but I hear from so many people that thirty is nowhere near old. I feel ran down and as if I’ve given out all my creative energies too soon. I’ve used them all up and even my muse can’t get them back.

I don’t feel depressed anymore really. I just feel run down and tired. Ugh.

Because of my own inability to get organized, I recently drafted my mother as my wedding planner. I have no clue what I’m doing. They say that every little girl plans their wedding day, but clearly “they” did not understand that I’m a science dork that cared more for learning and sports than I ever cared about my wedding day. I never really saw myself getting married. My dad asked me Tuesday about marriage and I said that, “It seemed like a good idea.” For the most part, it still does. I see myself spending a very long time with my man and so why shouldn’t we be married?

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I haven’t blogged in a month and, honestly, I have no real excuse.

Oh, I can give you excuses (I was sick; my man was sick; I was busy; I was tired; I was depressed), but none of them really amount to much considering all I have to do is drop a short paragraph into this thing and, ta dah!, I’ve blogged. There are so many things I’d like to talk about without really talking to anyone about them. My wedding. My feeling of failure. My constant feelings of dissatisfaction and malaise. Above all, my intense anger over any and everything that isn’t how I expect it to be. Lately, the anger itself has given into the malaise and boredom, but I’d prefer the anger just because it’s an actual feeling.

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