Posts Tagged ‘family’

Isn't it glorious?!

The tree my husband brought home.

I was talking to my husband today before he went to work and said that we should have a Christmas tree for our apartment. I decided that, for some strange reason, I really did want a tree. I guess I figured that, since this was our first Christmas as a married couple, I’d really like to have a tree to mark the occasion. He was against it. He didn’t want to deal with the trouble of a tree and I don’t blame him.

See, I don’t usually like Christmas trees. They’re too much trouble to put up and they’re only up for such a short period of time that I don’t typically care to do it. I usually just go to my parents’ house and help my mom with their tree the week after Thanksgiving. (She likes that.) We go help my husband’s mother with her tree when we get a chance. It’s just what we do.

This year, I guess I want it to be different. I think that, this time, I want to start our own traditions. I don’t want to stick with the old traditions of our old families. We’ve started a new family so new traditions are in order. Of course, I’m still going to stick with the old traditions a little. The “birthday box” will be welcomed with open arms. I tend to parrot my mother’s old “hoppy bird-day”joke whenever there’s a birthday in my group of friends and family. Otherwise, I’d like to see if we can make our own things happen. I don’t want our lives to be split between his family and mine. I want our lives to be our lives. I’m fighting to make it that too. I will not accept someone else ruling our life together. I love both our sets of parents, but he is mine and I am his. We are no longer just their children. We are a unit, a husband and wife, and we will do things together in our own way.

So, I made dinner tonight like normal. I played games with my buddies online. (Iron Brigade, the current free game on Xbox Live, is quite amazing. I’m loving it.) By midnight, I couldn’t figure out where my husband was, but I really wasn’t worried. Sometimes he’s a little late due to a long phone call or he goes by his parents’ house to pick something up. I did get a cryptic message asking if I preferred stars or angels, but I figured he was getting me something either Christmas-y or for Christmas so I didn’t think anything about it. When he got home from work, he opened the door and a long box was over his shoulder. My charming husband had brought me home a Christmas tree! There wasn’t much with it—two strands of tinsel, a tree skirt, and a box of five ornaments—but that’s not what matters. What truly matters is that my husband loves me so much that, even though he didn’t want to have one, he bought me a Christmas tree. I won’t lie, I cried when he sat it down. I didn’t cry, because I was upset. I cried, because I was happy. I do that. I don’t understand it, but I do it. I was so overcome by the happiness of the moment and cried.

Yoda from Star Wars: The Clone Wars

Yoda from Star Wars: The Clone Wars.

Thankfully, at his mother’s advice, he picked out a tree that was pre-lit with multi-colored lights so I didn’t have to do that part. I did manage to string the two strands of tinsel around to where they look decent. I put up the five Star Wars ornaments that he brought home and the tree still looks kind of naked, but we’ll fix that. We’ll add more ornaments every year until we have a tree full of gaudy bobbles. I’m all for the thing looking hideous due to having too many ornaments that don’t match at all. I’m one hundred percent ready for it.

So now, we have this neat little tree up in our living room. The cat has already tried to get under it and look around, but I’ve chased him off of it. I really don’t want him to knock it down. I worked damn hard on this thing and I’m proud of our little tree.

I look at this tree and I see the love that my husband has for me. He didn’t want a tree, but I expressed a need for it and he got it for me. That’s how I know our love is real.

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It’s been over a month since I made any entries into my blog and, well, I have no real reasoning behind it. There was a two week period where I have a decent excuse with the wedding and all, but the rest is just, because I didn’t really feel like writing anything. I mean, I did feel like writing, but I didn’t feel like putting out the effort to put anything down onto media.

So, the week of our wedding was full of celebration and camaraderie. We had such a wonderful time with our friends and, even though our house was full to the brim with bodies, I felt so at home with all those folks. It was an experience that I hope to have again sometime with my friends. We’re all so close and that only proved to draw us closer. We played a few rounds of laser tag and my city friends got to explore the area that I grew up in. They had banjos and hillbilly accents in mind, but found that my tiny city in the south could be a pleasant experience. Several of them have decided that they’re going to come and visit again. I’m looking forward to that.

Pictures from the wedding…

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Kitsune

Mythology Workshop 2 — Here In My Cauldron:  Pick any mythological figure. The task is to craft a RECIPE. The piece needs to include various ingredients, be them mythological ingredients (ex. a dragon’s tooth) or real life ingredients. The emphasis should be on something that is actually edible or drinkable. The ingredients chosen and mixed need to represent the mythology figure that was chosen. The medium of the work is to be chosen by the artist.

— prompt via The 13th Floor Paradigm

I tried to do a lot of research before making any references or using any foreign language words. I’m sorry if I butchered anything. I’m a white, American woman. I have no flavor or yummy heritage and it makes me sad. Also, this kind of went off on a tangent before I could wrangle it back. Hopefully, that doesn’t make it less interesting. The recipe that I’m referencing is a simple Pickled Plum Rice Ball.

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It’s been quite a while since I’ve written anything about myself or the wedding. Things are going okay and there’s only been a few hiccups. The biggest one is that my Man of Honor just backed out of being in the wedding due to personal problems. I’m not upset at him, because he’s having some seriously rough times right now, but now I feel like I have to start all over. I am considering asking a friend’s girl to take his place though I think my brother wins the prize and gets to be my Man of Honor (just like he wanted to begin with). I think my buddy’s girl would be happy to be in the wedding, even if she’s an alternate. Plus, she could walk out with her man and it would be adorable. I sent a message to my friend to see if he’s super serious about backing out, even if I volunteer to pay for his tux, and if he is then I’ll message my buddy’s girl and see what she says. She’s got five weeks to get a nice dress and she was wanting to do that anyway so it’s not a problem.

The flowers are all done. I’ve ordered my cake toppers. My man’s ring is in. Other than the fact that  my mother doesn’t seem too keen on sharing what’s going on, we’re just about finished. My dress is slated to be in on October 1st and that’s the day of my fitting. My mother is taking off that day to go with me and do my hair. My future mother-in-law will be off that day as well so I’ve invited her to come with us since she hasn’t seen the dress up close. We’re going to spend the day doing wedding things and, hopefully, I’ll get to take a look at what she has planned. I’m really worried that it’s going to look like a bad prom. That’s my biggest fear. Otherwise, I’m ready to get this show on the road. 🙂

I find that my happiness is based less on who I am and more on who I was. As I get further from the past I feel dissatisfied with my future.

My future is full of love and laughter but I dread it every step of the way. As the things I treasure spiral into oblivion I feel crushed.

Anxiety about my future cripples me. “Cold feet,” I suppose. I’m not where I thought I would be. I’m in a better place.

I made these tweets this morning and I could have gone on, but I decided to use my blog before I got ready to get my windshield replaced. I’ve come to the realization that my life is nowhere near what I thought it would be. Then again, I didn’t necessarily have very high hopes for my own future. I never saw myself as a writer. I never saw myself as married. I knew I wasn’t going to have children. Hell, I’m surprised I even finished college. You could say that my expectations for my own life weren’t very high.

As I think about my life now, I realize that my expectations haven’t risen much. My anxiety, on the other hand, has multiplied. Part of me feels as if it’s leftover from the traumas that I’ve happened to experience through random happenstance. My anxiety has caused me to separate myself from all the things I love. I withdraw from others and find excuses, reasonable and logical excuses, to exclude myself. I feel lonely even though I’m not alone anymore. I don’t pretend to understand it either.

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I haven’t updated in a while, because there really isn’t much to update. We’re not very far along on anything and that’s basically, because I tend to not focus on anything that gives me anxiety. Since it’s inception, the wedding has given me anxiety. Why? I have no clue. I don’t want to be anxious, but it really is a serious life change. I’m going to go from singular to plural again. I mean, I’m with my man now so I’m technically not single, but I go from “able to be functional by myself” to part of a family unit that will depend on the both of us to survive. I don’t know why I see it differently. I guess it’s just the thought of having no “escape” whatsoever. The deal is that I don’t need an escape from this man. He is amazing in every way that the others have not ever been, but anxiety has a way of twisting everything into something worse than it ever could be. I think that’s the real problem. I’m just super-anxious about everything going on right now: wedding, money, work, etc.

My mother and I are going shopping for my wedding dress and doing wedding-like things this weekend. I took the weekend off so we could do it and I am looking forward to that. The dress shopping, not so much. It’s going to be more of me looking at dresses and them measuring me to order one in my size. I only want to spend about $200, but I know that’s not going to reality. I’m far too large to get a dress for $200. It’s going to probably make me cry, but I’m going to be strong. I just want to focus on the things that will be nice like hanging out with my mom and, hopefully, my brother. I can do it.

Lately, I’ve been having these super-strong feelings that feel as if my writing muse is trying to get back into my head again. Part of me is too lazy to sit still and try to focus, but part of me is not wanting to get started on something that I know I won’t ever finish. I’ve had so many people being helpful and supportive in my writing here lately that it’s hard to ignore my own personal muse. It’s like she’s knocking on my brain and wanting to be let back inside, but I’ve got this snowbank that’s been blown up to the door. I’m home and I want to let her in, but the snow is so deep that I can’t get the door open to get her back inside. I’m tired and I feel old, but I hear from so many people that thirty is nowhere near old. I feel ran down and as if I’ve given out all my creative energies too soon. I’ve used them all up and even my muse can’t get them back.

I don’t feel depressed anymore really. I just feel run down and tired. Ugh.

Lee has decided to go to bed early and that leaves me sitting and watching YouTube alone. I could head to bed as well, but he went to bed after I whined and so I can only assume that I’ve done something. Rather than crawl straight into bed with him, I’m going to give him his space and allow him to get to sleep before I go in there.

The past week has been full of things happening.

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