Posts Tagged ‘lazy’

It’s been over a month since I made any entries into my blog and, well, I have no real reasoning behind it. There was a two week period where I have a decent excuse with the wedding and all, but the rest is just, because I didn’t really feel like writing anything. I mean, I did feel like writing, but I didn’t feel like putting out the effort to put anything down onto media.

So, the week of our wedding was full of celebration and camaraderie. We had such a wonderful time with our friends and, even though our house was full to the brim with bodies, I felt so at home with all those folks. It was an experience that I hope to have again sometime with my friends. We’re all so close and that only proved to draw us closer. We played a few rounds of laser tag and my city friends got to explore the area that I grew up in. They had banjos and hillbilly accents in mind, but found that my tiny city in the south could be a pleasant experience. Several of them have decided that they’re going to come and visit again. I’m looking forward to that.

Pictures from the wedding…

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I haven’t updated in a while, because there really isn’t much to update. We’re not very far along on anything and that’s basically, because I tend to not focus on anything that gives me anxiety. Since it’s inception, the wedding has given me anxiety. Why? I have no clue. I don’t want to be anxious, but it really is a serious life change. I’m going to go from singular to plural again. I mean, I’m with my man now so I’m technically not single, but I go from “able to be functional by myself” to part of a family unit that will depend on the both of us to survive. I don’t know why I see it differently. I guess it’s just the thought of having no “escape” whatsoever. The deal is that I don’t need an escape from this man. He is amazing in every way that the others have not ever been, but anxiety has a way of twisting everything into something worse than it ever could be. I think that’s the real problem. I’m just super-anxious about everything going on right now: wedding, money, work, etc.

My mother and I are going shopping for my wedding dress and doing wedding-like things this weekend. I took the weekend off so we could do it and I am looking forward to that. The dress shopping, not so much. It’s going to be more of me looking at dresses and them measuring me to order one in my size. I only want to spend about $200, but I know that’s not going to reality. I’m far too large to get a dress for $200. It’s going to probably make me cry, but I’m going to be strong. I just want to focus on the things that will be nice like hanging out with my mom and, hopefully, my brother. I can do it.

Lately, I’ve been having these super-strong feelings that feel as if my writing muse is trying to get back into my head again. Part of me is too lazy to sit still and try to focus, but part of me is not wanting to get started on something that I know I won’t ever finish. I’ve had so many people being helpful and supportive in my writing here lately that it’s hard to ignore my own personal muse. It’s like she’s knocking on my brain and wanting to be let back inside, but I’ve got this snowbank that’s been blown up to the door. I’m home and I want to let her in, but the snow is so deep that I can’t get the door open to get her back inside. I’m tired and I feel old, but I hear from so many people that thirty is nowhere near old. I feel ran down and as if I’ve given out all my creative energies too soon. I’ve used them all up and even my muse can’t get them back.

I don’t feel depressed anymore really. I just feel run down and tired. Ugh.

Because of my own inability to get organized, I recently drafted my mother as my wedding planner. I have no clue what I’m doing. They say that every little girl plans their wedding day, but clearly “they” did not understand that I’m a science dork that cared more for learning and sports than I ever cared about my wedding day. I never really saw myself getting married. My dad asked me Tuesday about marriage and I said that, “It seemed like a good idea.” For the most part, it still does. I see myself spending a very long time with my man and so why shouldn’t we be married?

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The best advice I’ve received about my writing, so far, was given to me by a random person that I had never spoken to before. How they found my short blurb announcing to the world that I was giving up, I can’t say for sure, but I’ve thought about it off and on for a little while and realize that they are probably correct.

Do you write for the pleasure of it? Nothing should take it away from you if that be the case. Perhaps instead of writing for others to thread with you, write for yourself.

I don’t remember the last time I wrote for myself rather than for the amusement of others. I think that’s always been what’s on my mind when I do write. I’ve also had a struggle within myself about my writing. I want to tell a story that I love and share it with others, but part of me wants no one to ever read what I write for fear that they’ll criticize it. Criticism would only help me expand my writing and make it better, but I don’t like criticism. Criticism just discourages me and makes me not want to try again and that’s in all aspects of my life. Criticize any of my work and I no longer wish to do whatever it was that you were critical about. I suppose you could call me overly-sensitive.

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I haven’t blogged in a month and, honestly, I have no real excuse.

Oh, I can give you excuses (I was sick; my man was sick; I was busy; I was tired; I was depressed), but none of them really amount to much considering all I have to do is drop a short paragraph into this thing and, ta dah!, I’ve blogged. There are so many things I’d like to talk about without really talking to anyone about them. My wedding. My feeling of failure. My constant feelings of dissatisfaction and malaise. Above all, my intense anger over any and everything that isn’t how I expect it to be. Lately, the anger itself has given into the malaise and boredom, but I’d prefer the anger just because it’s an actual feeling.

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I’m sad that it’s Wednesday already.

I don’t feel like I’ve had a whole vacation simply, because I’ve been fielding calls/texts from work almost every day. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. I swear these people can’t function without me and I’m the one that puts in the least amount of time there. I suppose that it just proves I’m a needed asset at my job? It’s still annoying to be off, but not really off.

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I’m finally taking a vacation for the first time since August.

Last year, I took my winter vacation early so that my circle of Xbox friends and I could get together for a grand event on our friend Marvin’s birthday. It was a super-long drive, but the whole thing was amazing. You might not consider Ohio to be a vacation destination, but the weather at the beginning of August was splendid last year. So much cooler than Arkansas, but still summery weather.

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