Posts Tagged ‘marriage’

My husband has gotten me playing World of Warcraft lately and, honestly, I’m enjoying it. I used to think that WoW was the devil. It was an addictive thing that took time away from real things, but now I’m not as militant about that. I was wanting to play WoW this morning, but it’s Tuesday and that means it’s down until this afternoon for maintenance. My husband hogs the laptop to play the game and then, when I finally pry it away from him, it’s maintenance day. 😦

He’s worried himself sick about this job thing, literally. He had to call out Monday and that only made it all worse. I’ve decided that I shouldn’t put that much pressure on him. I shouldn’t ask more of him than is available. If he can’t get anything that makes more than minimum wage, then that’s fine. At least he’s contributing to the household. I can accept that and we can try to move up from there. I’ll start saving for my certification exam and I’ll make the move to find a better paying job. That’s the best way to go. I should push to better myself and my situation in order to make sure our lives together are better. I can’t fix him; I can only fix myself.

Otherwise, things are okay. We acquired a kitten a couple weeks ago. He’s adorable and I love him. Lee named him Zero and, other than a gimpy leg and some stubborn ear mites, he’s a healthy little squirt. Adorable, playful, and full of energy. He’s been a nice distraction from what all has been going on with us. Our tomcat, Houdini, has been slowly warming up to Zero. They’re playing together right now and it’s adorable watching ‘Dini run from a kitten that has a gimpy back leg and is, literally, a third of his size.

Oh, I went to town yesterday and got two new pairs of shoes. I’ve been holding onto a gift card since my wedding and have kept telling myself (and my assistant) that I was going to go to town and get a new pair of shoes, but I hadn’t. This weekend my assistant suggested that we go shopping. She needed to go to town to get some things for her daughter’s pagent Saturday and knew I needed to go get shoes. We planned to meet at the mall and spend the afternoon shopping once her daughter got out of class.

Oddly enough, even with the kids being crazy, I had a good time. I don’t usually like kids, but her kids are great. They’re full of energy and pretty well-behaved. The six-year-old got a little cranky, but we were dragging her everywhere around the mall so I figure that was why. Plus, I was paying more attention to the baby, because she was fussy. She was the wiggliest baby I’ve ever seen and the only way to keep her happy was to keep her moving. I’m actually pretty good with kids even though it’s an awkward thing for me. I’m not a “mommy” person. I’m more of a “fun aunt.” Kids adore me, but I don’t know what to do with them. The baby was great though. I just pushed her around in the stroller while my friend paid and bounced her around while they shopped for pagent shoes. It was pretty easy. Doesn’t make me want any of my own, but I wouldn’t mind hanging with her again (even with the kids).

It was super awesome to go out with someone that wasn’t family or one of the boys. We did chick-ish things and just had an amazing time. Hopefully, we’ll go do it again and make it something we do every so often. Makes me feel somewhat normal.

So, not long after my last post, I managed to destroy my laptop. You wouldn’t believe what I did. I accidentally kicked the damn thing off of my ottoman and, though I caught it before it bounced really hard, it did hit somewhat heavily on the end of the power cord. I think that knocked something in the hard drive loose, because, a few moments after I sat it back onto my little desk, it failed miserably. We’ve had our repaired laptop back for a few weeks, but I haven’t been in a blogging mood. I haven’t been in any kind of mood really.

I think I’ve given up completely on trying to keep any creative outlet. Writing is no longer a pleasure. It’s more of something that I do, because I feel like I have to do it. I want to enjoy writing again, but I think there’s just too much going on in my real life to try to write any kind of drama in a pretend world, no matter how badly I need to do it.

My husband’s job is closing down in May.

I’ll give you a moment to digest that.

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Isn't it glorious?!

The tree my husband brought home.

I was talking to my husband today before he went to work and said that we should have a Christmas tree for our apartment. I decided that, for some strange reason, I really did want a tree. I guess I figured that, since this was our first Christmas as a married couple, I’d really like to have a tree to mark the occasion. He was against it. He didn’t want to deal with the trouble of a tree and I don’t blame him.

See, I don’t usually like Christmas trees. They’re too much trouble to put up and they’re only up for such a short period of time that I don’t typically care to do it. I usually just go to my parents’ house and help my mom with their tree the week after Thanksgiving. (She likes that.) We go help my husband’s mother with her tree when we get a chance. It’s just what we do.

This year, I guess I want it to be different. I think that, this time, I want to start our own traditions. I don’t want to stick with the old traditions of our old families. We’ve started a new family so new traditions are in order. Of course, I’m still going to stick with the old traditions a little. The “birthday box” will be welcomed with open arms. I tend to parrot my mother’s old “hoppy bird-day”joke whenever there’s a birthday in my group of friends and family. Otherwise, I’d like to see if we can make our own things happen. I don’t want our lives to be split between his family and mine. I want our lives to be our lives. I’m fighting to make it that too. I will not accept someone else ruling our life together. I love both our sets of parents, but he is mine and I am his. We are no longer just their children. We are a unit, a husband and wife, and we will do things together in our own way.

So, I made dinner tonight like normal. I played games with my buddies online. (Iron Brigade, the current free game on Xbox Live, is quite amazing. I’m loving it.) By midnight, I couldn’t figure out where my husband was, but I really wasn’t worried. Sometimes he’s a little late due to a long phone call or he goes by his parents’ house to pick something up. I did get a cryptic message asking if I preferred stars or angels, but I figured he was getting me something either Christmas-y or for Christmas so I didn’t think anything about it. When he got home from work, he opened the door and a long box was over his shoulder. My charming husband had brought me home a Christmas tree! There wasn’t much with it—two strands of tinsel, a tree skirt, and a box of five ornaments—but that’s not what matters. What truly matters is that my husband loves me so much that, even though he didn’t want to have one, he bought me a Christmas tree. I won’t lie, I cried when he sat it down. I didn’t cry, because I was upset. I cried, because I was happy. I do that. I don’t understand it, but I do it. I was so overcome by the happiness of the moment and cried.

Yoda from Star Wars: The Clone Wars

Yoda from Star Wars: The Clone Wars.

Thankfully, at his mother’s advice, he picked out a tree that was pre-lit with multi-colored lights so I didn’t have to do that part. I did manage to string the two strands of tinsel around to where they look decent. I put up the five Star Wars ornaments that he brought home and the tree still looks kind of naked, but we’ll fix that. We’ll add more ornaments every year until we have a tree full of gaudy bobbles. I’m all for the thing looking hideous due to having too many ornaments that don’t match at all. I’m one hundred percent ready for it.

So now, we have this neat little tree up in our living room. The cat has already tried to get under it and look around, but I’ve chased him off of it. I really don’t want him to knock it down. I worked damn hard on this thing and I’m proud of our little tree.

I look at this tree and I see the love that my husband has for me. He didn’t want a tree, but I expressed a need for it and he got it for me. That’s how I know our love is real.

It’s been over a month since I made any entries into my blog and, well, I have no real reasoning behind it. There was a two week period where I have a decent excuse with the wedding and all, but the rest is just, because I didn’t really feel like writing anything. I mean, I did feel like writing, but I didn’t feel like putting out the effort to put anything down onto media.

So, the week of our wedding was full of celebration and camaraderie. We had such a wonderful time with our friends and, even though our house was full to the brim with bodies, I felt so at home with all those folks. It was an experience that I hope to have again sometime with my friends. We’re all so close and that only proved to draw us closer. We played a few rounds of laser tag and my city friends got to explore the area that I grew up in. They had banjos and hillbilly accents in mind, but found that my tiny city in the south could be a pleasant experience. Several of them have decided that they’re going to come and visit again. I’m looking forward to that.

Pictures from the wedding…

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It’s been quite a while since I’ve written anything about myself or the wedding. Things are going okay and there’s only been a few hiccups. The biggest one is that my Man of Honor just backed out of being in the wedding due to personal problems. I’m not upset at him, because he’s having some seriously rough times right now, but now I feel like I have to start all over. I am considering asking a friend’s girl to take his place though I think my brother wins the prize and gets to be my Man of Honor (just like he wanted to begin with). I think my buddy’s girl would be happy to be in the wedding, even if she’s an alternate. Plus, she could walk out with her man and it would be adorable. I sent a message to my friend to see if he’s super serious about backing out, even if I volunteer to pay for his tux, and if he is then I’ll message my buddy’s girl and see what she says. She’s got five weeks to get a nice dress and she was wanting to do that anyway so it’s not a problem.

The flowers are all done. I’ve ordered my cake toppers. My man’s ring is in. Other than the fact that  my mother doesn’t seem too keen on sharing what’s going on, we’re just about finished. My dress is slated to be in on October 1st and that’s the day of my fitting. My mother is taking off that day to go with me and do my hair. My future mother-in-law will be off that day as well so I’ve invited her to come with us since she hasn’t seen the dress up close. We’re going to spend the day doing wedding things and, hopefully, I’ll get to take a look at what she has planned. I’m really worried that it’s going to look like a bad prom. That’s my biggest fear. Otherwise, I’m ready to get this show on the road. 🙂

I find that my happiness is based less on who I am and more on who I was. As I get further from the past I feel dissatisfied with my future.

My future is full of love and laughter but I dread it every step of the way. As the things I treasure spiral into oblivion I feel crushed.

Anxiety about my future cripples me. “Cold feet,” I suppose. I’m not where I thought I would be. I’m in a better place.

I made these tweets this morning and I could have gone on, but I decided to use my blog before I got ready to get my windshield replaced. I’ve come to the realization that my life is nowhere near what I thought it would be. Then again, I didn’t necessarily have very high hopes for my own future. I never saw myself as a writer. I never saw myself as married. I knew I wasn’t going to have children. Hell, I’m surprised I even finished college. You could say that my expectations for my own life weren’t very high.

As I think about my life now, I realize that my expectations haven’t risen much. My anxiety, on the other hand, has multiplied. Part of me feels as if it’s leftover from the traumas that I’ve happened to experience through random happenstance. My anxiety has caused me to separate myself from all the things I love. I withdraw from others and find excuses, reasonable and logical excuses, to exclude myself. I feel lonely even though I’m not alone anymore. I don’t pretend to understand it either.

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One of the blogs I follow linked to an Online Plot Generator and I’m considering using it once a week to try to get some creative energy flowing. The plots it generates are extremely vague, but just enough to generate a tiny idea in my brain. I read one and instantly had an idea for something. Had it not been for the fact that I was fixing to cook dinner then I would have sat down and written something for it.

Dinner last night was excellent, by the way. We managed to pick up some pork steaks when we went grocery shopping and I fried a couple of those for my man. I haven’t had pork in a while, because our budget was so tight. We were able to be a little splurgier on some of the meat this time, because the bills are all paid. It was well worth it. I baked a couple of them so they’re going to be my lunch today while my man is at work. Now I just have to finish the dishes. Bleh.

The wedding is looming. My mother is wanting to finalize some details this week and my whole body is just against that idea. I don’t want to do it. It’s too much trouble and too scary for me. I’m really starting to feel the pressure and, honestly, it shouldn’t feel like pressure. We’re going to be married and it’s going to be a good thing. I’m just one of those people who are scarred by their past and too scared that things might go back to that. I know I shouldn’t be afraid with such a nice man in my life, but you can’t help that sometimes.