Posts Tagged ‘stress’

My husband has gotten me playing World of Warcraft lately and, honestly, I’m enjoying it. I used to think that WoW was the devil. It was an addictive thing that took time away from real things, but now I’m not as militant about that. I was wanting to play WoW this morning, but it’s Tuesday and that means it’s down until this afternoon for maintenance. My husband hogs the laptop to play the game and then, when I finally pry it away from him, it’s maintenance day. 😦

He’s worried himself sick about this job thing, literally. He had to call out Monday and that only made it all worse. I’ve decided that I shouldn’t put that much pressure on him. I shouldn’t ask more of him than is available. If he can’t get anything that makes more than minimum wage, then that’s fine. At least he’s contributing to the household. I can accept that and we can try to move up from there. I’ll start saving for my certification exam and I’ll make the move to find a better paying job. That’s the best way to go. I should push to better myself and my situation in order to make sure our lives together are better. I can’t fix him; I can only fix myself.

Otherwise, things are okay. We acquired a kitten a couple weeks ago. He’s adorable and I love him. Lee named him Zero and, other than a gimpy leg and some stubborn ear mites, he’s a healthy little squirt. Adorable, playful, and full of energy. He’s been a nice distraction from what all has been going on with us. Our tomcat, Houdini, has been slowly warming up to Zero. They’re playing together right now and it’s adorable watching ‘Dini run from a kitten that has a gimpy back leg and is, literally, a third of his size.

Oh, I went to town yesterday and got two new pairs of shoes. I’ve been holding onto a gift card since my wedding and have kept telling myself (and my assistant) that I was going to go to town and get a new pair of shoes, but I hadn’t. This weekend my assistant suggested that we go shopping. She needed to go to town to get some things for her daughter’s pagent Saturday and knew I needed to go get shoes. We planned to meet at the mall and spend the afternoon shopping once her daughter got out of class.

Oddly enough, even with the kids being crazy, I had a good time. I don’t usually like kids, but her kids are great. They’re full of energy and pretty well-behaved. The six-year-old got a little cranky, but we were dragging her everywhere around the mall so I figure that was why. Plus, I was paying more attention to the baby, because she was fussy. She was the wiggliest baby I’ve ever seen and the only way to keep her happy was to keep her moving. I’m actually pretty good with kids even though it’s an awkward thing for me. I’m not a “mommy” person. I’m more of a “fun aunt.” Kids adore me, but I don’t know what to do with them. The baby was great though. I just pushed her around in the stroller while my friend paid and bounced her around while they shopped for pagent shoes. It was pretty easy. Doesn’t make me want any of my own, but I wouldn’t mind hanging with her again (even with the kids).

It was super awesome to go out with someone that wasn’t family or one of the boys. We did chick-ish things and just had an amazing time. Hopefully, we’ll go do it again and make it something we do every so often. Makes me feel somewhat normal.

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So, not long after my last post, I managed to destroy my laptop. You wouldn’t believe what I did. I accidentally kicked the damn thing off of my ottoman and, though I caught it before it bounced really hard, it did hit somewhat heavily on the end of the power cord. I think that knocked something in the hard drive loose, because, a few moments after I sat it back onto my little desk, it failed miserably. We’ve had our repaired laptop back for a few weeks, but I haven’t been in a blogging mood. I haven’t been in any kind of mood really.

I think I’ve given up completely on trying to keep any creative outlet. Writing is no longer a pleasure. It’s more of something that I do, because I feel like I have to do it. I want to enjoy writing again, but I think there’s just too much going on in my real life to try to write any kind of drama in a pretend world, no matter how badly I need to do it.

My husband’s job is closing down in May.

I’ll give you a moment to digest that.

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I found out tonight that a friend of mine passed away in his sleep Friday night. When my husband told me, I didn’t believe it. I had to get my phone out and check his Facebook feed for myself. It was fully of sympathy notes and memories of a man almost three years younger than I am. I cried. In fact, I’m still crying. I hadn’t known my friend Matthew for very long, two years at most, but the loss was felt instantly.

I met Matt on Xbox LIVE. I don’t really remember how we met. I think my friend Chris had met him and brought him into our circle of folks that we routinely play Xbox with. I loved him instantly. If he was good enough for “The Circle,” then, of course, he as good enough for me. Matt was always fun and lively. He was always supportive and would have a kind word to say to you when you were down. We played so much Gears of War together that I considered him a well-tested “brother in arms” when it came to video games and Gears of War. He eventually drifted toward being “PC exclusive,” but we continued to chat on Facebook and Skype whenever we could. The last interaction I had with him was nothing spectacular. I had made a reference to the wonderful batch of lasagna that I made Thursday night and he had commented on how it sounded delicious. Oh, it was delicious and how I wish I could’ve sent him some.

Matthew Morley was from Australia, but his friendship crossed oceans and touched hearts around the world. He was an avid Final Fantasy XIV player and loved Final Fantasy XI and Phantasy Star Online 2. He challenged SEGA to bring their Japan-only exclusives to English-speaking fans with letters and petitions. He loved small furry creatures and cherished his dog Ying Yang. He like a bright light in your life when you were having a dark day and asked for nothing in return.

A bright and shining figure in the dark.

July 12, 1984 – November 16, 2013 — You will be missed, sir.

I decided to write his father a letter since I couldn’t do the Southern tradition of sending food to the family of the person that has passed. I was really unsure, but I did it anyway. I hope that my letter is well-received by his dad. I know that his dad has trouble using Facebook and I really wanted to offer my sympathy to him. Browsing the memorial posts has let me know that Matt’s mother also passed away some time ago so this man has lost not only his wife, but also his son. It’s heartbreaking and I hope that they are able to recover from it.

I hope that I can cheer up before we go to town tonight for Ender’s Game and the Xbox One release, but I don’t know. I’ll try, but it might be a bit before I’m okay with it.

I find that my happiness is based less on who I am and more on who I was. As I get further from the past I feel dissatisfied with my future.

My future is full of love and laughter but I dread it every step of the way. As the things I treasure spiral into oblivion I feel crushed.

Anxiety about my future cripples me. “Cold feet,” I suppose. I’m not where I thought I would be. I’m in a better place.

I made these tweets this morning and I could have gone on, but I decided to use my blog before I got ready to get my windshield replaced. I’ve come to the realization that my life is nowhere near what I thought it would be. Then again, I didn’t necessarily have very high hopes for my own future. I never saw myself as a writer. I never saw myself as married. I knew I wasn’t going to have children. Hell, I’m surprised I even finished college. You could say that my expectations for my own life weren’t very high.

As I think about my life now, I realize that my expectations haven’t risen much. My anxiety, on the other hand, has multiplied. Part of me feels as if it’s leftover from the traumas that I’ve happened to experience through random happenstance. My anxiety has caused me to separate myself from all the things I love. I withdraw from others and find excuses, reasonable and logical excuses, to exclude myself. I feel lonely even though I’m not alone anymore. I don’t pretend to understand it either.

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One of the blogs I follow linked to an Online Plot Generator and I’m considering using it once a week to try to get some creative energy flowing. The plots it generates are extremely vague, but just enough to generate a tiny idea in my brain. I read one and instantly had an idea for something. Had it not been for the fact that I was fixing to cook dinner then I would have sat down and written something for it.

Dinner last night was excellent, by the way. We managed to pick up some pork steaks when we went grocery shopping and I fried a couple of those for my man. I haven’t had pork in a while, because our budget was so tight. We were able to be a little splurgier on some of the meat this time, because the bills are all paid. It was well worth it. I baked a couple of them so they’re going to be my lunch today while my man is at work. Now I just have to finish the dishes. Bleh.

The wedding is looming. My mother is wanting to finalize some details this week and my whole body is just against that idea. I don’t want to do it. It’s too much trouble and too scary for me. I’m really starting to feel the pressure and, honestly, it shouldn’t feel like pressure. We’re going to be married and it’s going to be a good thing. I’m just one of those people who are scarred by their past and too scared that things might go back to that. I know I shouldn’t be afraid with such a nice man in my life, but you can’t help that sometimes.

Lee has decided to go to bed early and that leaves me sitting and watching YouTube alone. I could head to bed as well, but he went to bed after I whined and so I can only assume that I’ve done something. Rather than crawl straight into bed with him, I’m going to give him his space and allow him to get to sleep before I go in there.

The past week has been full of things happening.

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My manly man and I did some more wedding planning this week.

I woke up to go to a meeting on Tuesday and found him gone at one in the afternoon. I had a slight panic moment, but I thought maybe he went to work early. I shot him a text and he called me while I was on the way to my meeting. He had gone to do some wedding footwork before work and got better quotes on the tuxes for the wedding. Seven tuxes, grey in color and including all the odds and ends, will cost about $960. That’s the best quote he had. Honestly, out of all the expenses, we’re only asking the guys to pay for their travel and their tuxes. I don’t see that as entirely unreasonable.

I’m starting to look forward to the wedding. We went together Wednesday to look at the church and talk to the gentleman who was running things. They’re in the middle of changing pastors so they don’t have a dedicated pastor, but it turns out the man he was wanting to marry us is their current pastor. I took this as a wonderful sign of fate and I’ve urged him to call him and speak to him about it. I know he’s looking forward to the wedding even more now. The church isn’t going to charge us anything and it is a super huge place. It will be a wonderful wedding.

I called my mother and let her know. She was happy that I was happy, but now more questions have been raised. Do we want to have the reception on site or off site? Are we having dinner or just a cake/cookie kind of reception? When are we going to do the photos? Ugh. So much to do and so little time to do it. I’ve got to get my invitations out soon so I’m going to have to start collecting addresses as soon as possible. I will probably start sending out messages and calling people this week in order to get that worked out.

Such a mess. I hope I can survive it all.