Posts Tagged ‘worries’

Anxiety

Posted: April 26, 2014 in Blogging
Tags: , , , , ,

I don’t know what it is about my daily life, but it seems like everything gives me anxiety anymore. Have to send a text to someone? Anxiety. A phone call? Anxiety. Walking into a room to draw blood? Anxiety. Time at home with the hubby? You guessed it: anxiety.

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My husband has gotten me playing World of Warcraft lately and, honestly, I’m enjoying it. I used to think that WoW was the devil. It was an addictive thing that took time away from real things, but now I’m not as militant about that. I was wanting to play WoW this morning, but it’s Tuesday and that means it’s down until this afternoon for maintenance. My husband hogs the laptop to play the game and then, when I finally pry it away from him, it’s maintenance day. 😦

He’s worried himself sick about this job thing, literally. He had to call out Monday and that only made it all worse. I’ve decided that I shouldn’t put that much pressure on him. I shouldn’t ask more of him than is available. If he can’t get anything that makes more than minimum wage, then that’s fine. At least he’s contributing to the household. I can accept that and we can try to move up from there. I’ll start saving for my certification exam and I’ll make the move to find a better paying job. That’s the best way to go. I should push to better myself and my situation in order to make sure our lives together are better. I can’t fix him; I can only fix myself.

Otherwise, things are okay. We acquired a kitten a couple weeks ago. He’s adorable and I love him. Lee named him Zero and, other than a gimpy leg and some stubborn ear mites, he’s a healthy little squirt. Adorable, playful, and full of energy. He’s been a nice distraction from what all has been going on with us. Our tomcat, Houdini, has been slowly warming up to Zero. They’re playing together right now and it’s adorable watching ‘Dini run from a kitten that has a gimpy back leg and is, literally, a third of his size.

Oh, I went to town yesterday and got two new pairs of shoes. I’ve been holding onto a gift card since my wedding and have kept telling myself (and my assistant) that I was going to go to town and get a new pair of shoes, but I hadn’t. This weekend my assistant suggested that we go shopping. She needed to go to town to get some things for her daughter’s pagent Saturday and knew I needed to go get shoes. We planned to meet at the mall and spend the afternoon shopping once her daughter got out of class.

Oddly enough, even with the kids being crazy, I had a good time. I don’t usually like kids, but her kids are great. They’re full of energy and pretty well-behaved. The six-year-old got a little cranky, but we were dragging her everywhere around the mall so I figure that was why. Plus, I was paying more attention to the baby, because she was fussy. She was the wiggliest baby I’ve ever seen and the only way to keep her happy was to keep her moving. I’m actually pretty good with kids even though it’s an awkward thing for me. I’m not a “mommy” person. I’m more of a “fun aunt.” Kids adore me, but I don’t know what to do with them. The baby was great though. I just pushed her around in the stroller while my friend paid and bounced her around while they shopped for pagent shoes. It was pretty easy. Doesn’t make me want any of my own, but I wouldn’t mind hanging with her again (even with the kids).

It was super awesome to go out with someone that wasn’t family or one of the boys. We did chick-ish things and just had an amazing time. Hopefully, we’ll go do it again and make it something we do every so often. Makes me feel somewhat normal.

So, not long after my last post, I managed to destroy my laptop. You wouldn’t believe what I did. I accidentally kicked the damn thing off of my ottoman and, though I caught it before it bounced really hard, it did hit somewhat heavily on the end of the power cord. I think that knocked something in the hard drive loose, because, a few moments after I sat it back onto my little desk, it failed miserably. We’ve had our repaired laptop back for a few weeks, but I haven’t been in a blogging mood. I haven’t been in any kind of mood really.

I think I’ve given up completely on trying to keep any creative outlet. Writing is no longer a pleasure. It’s more of something that I do, because I feel like I have to do it. I want to enjoy writing again, but I think there’s just too much going on in my real life to try to write any kind of drama in a pretend world, no matter how badly I need to do it.

My husband’s job is closing down in May.

I’ll give you a moment to digest that.

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It’s been quite a while since I’ve written anything about myself or the wedding. Things are going okay and there’s only been a few hiccups. The biggest one is that my Man of Honor just backed out of being in the wedding due to personal problems. I’m not upset at him, because he’s having some seriously rough times right now, but now I feel like I have to start all over. I am considering asking a friend’s girl to take his place though I think my brother wins the prize and gets to be my Man of Honor (just like he wanted to begin with). I think my buddy’s girl would be happy to be in the wedding, even if she’s an alternate. Plus, she could walk out with her man and it would be adorable. I sent a message to my friend to see if he’s super serious about backing out, even if I volunteer to pay for his tux, and if he is then I’ll message my buddy’s girl and see what she says. She’s got five weeks to get a nice dress and she was wanting to do that anyway so it’s not a problem.

The flowers are all done. I’ve ordered my cake toppers. My man’s ring is in. Other than the fact that  my mother doesn’t seem too keen on sharing what’s going on, we’re just about finished. My dress is slated to be in on October 1st and that’s the day of my fitting. My mother is taking off that day to go with me and do my hair. My future mother-in-law will be off that day as well so I’ve invited her to come with us since she hasn’t seen the dress up close. We’re going to spend the day doing wedding things and, hopefully, I’ll get to take a look at what she has planned. I’m really worried that it’s going to look like a bad prom. That’s my biggest fear. Otherwise, I’m ready to get this show on the road. 🙂

I find that my happiness is based less on who I am and more on who I was. As I get further from the past I feel dissatisfied with my future.

My future is full of love and laughter but I dread it every step of the way. As the things I treasure spiral into oblivion I feel crushed.

Anxiety about my future cripples me. “Cold feet,” I suppose. I’m not where I thought I would be. I’m in a better place.

I made these tweets this morning and I could have gone on, but I decided to use my blog before I got ready to get my windshield replaced. I’ve come to the realization that my life is nowhere near what I thought it would be. Then again, I didn’t necessarily have very high hopes for my own future. I never saw myself as a writer. I never saw myself as married. I knew I wasn’t going to have children. Hell, I’m surprised I even finished college. You could say that my expectations for my own life weren’t very high.

As I think about my life now, I realize that my expectations haven’t risen much. My anxiety, on the other hand, has multiplied. Part of me feels as if it’s leftover from the traumas that I’ve happened to experience through random happenstance. My anxiety has caused me to separate myself from all the things I love. I withdraw from others and find excuses, reasonable and logical excuses, to exclude myself. I feel lonely even though I’m not alone anymore. I don’t pretend to understand it either.

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One of the blogs I follow linked to an Online Plot Generator and I’m considering using it once a week to try to get some creative energy flowing. The plots it generates are extremely vague, but just enough to generate a tiny idea in my brain. I read one and instantly had an idea for something. Had it not been for the fact that I was fixing to cook dinner then I would have sat down and written something for it.

Dinner last night was excellent, by the way. We managed to pick up some pork steaks when we went grocery shopping and I fried a couple of those for my man. I haven’t had pork in a while, because our budget was so tight. We were able to be a little splurgier on some of the meat this time, because the bills are all paid. It was well worth it. I baked a couple of them so they’re going to be my lunch today while my man is at work. Now I just have to finish the dishes. Bleh.

The wedding is looming. My mother is wanting to finalize some details this week and my whole body is just against that idea. I don’t want to do it. It’s too much trouble and too scary for me. I’m really starting to feel the pressure and, honestly, it shouldn’t feel like pressure. We’re going to be married and it’s going to be a good thing. I’m just one of those people who are scarred by their past and too scared that things might go back to that. I know I shouldn’t be afraid with such a nice man in my life, but you can’t help that sometimes.

I haven’t updated in a while, because there really isn’t much to update. We’re not very far along on anything and that’s basically, because I tend to not focus on anything that gives me anxiety. Since it’s inception, the wedding has given me anxiety. Why? I have no clue. I don’t want to be anxious, but it really is a serious life change. I’m going to go from singular to plural again. I mean, I’m with my man now so I’m technically not single, but I go from “able to be functional by myself” to part of a family unit that will depend on the both of us to survive. I don’t know why I see it differently. I guess it’s just the thought of having no “escape” whatsoever. The deal is that I don’t need an escape from this man. He is amazing in every way that the others have not ever been, but anxiety has a way of twisting everything into something worse than it ever could be. I think that’s the real problem. I’m just super-anxious about everything going on right now: wedding, money, work, etc.

My mother and I are going shopping for my wedding dress and doing wedding-like things this weekend. I took the weekend off so we could do it and I am looking forward to that. The dress shopping, not so much. It’s going to be more of me looking at dresses and them measuring me to order one in my size. I only want to spend about $200, but I know that’s not going to reality. I’m far too large to get a dress for $200. It’s going to probably make me cry, but I’m going to be strong. I just want to focus on the things that will be nice like hanging out with my mom and, hopefully, my brother. I can do it.

Lately, I’ve been having these super-strong feelings that feel as if my writing muse is trying to get back into my head again. Part of me is too lazy to sit still and try to focus, but part of me is not wanting to get started on something that I know I won’t ever finish. I’ve had so many people being helpful and supportive in my writing here lately that it’s hard to ignore my own personal muse. It’s like she’s knocking on my brain and wanting to be let back inside, but I’ve got this snowbank that’s been blown up to the door. I’m home and I want to let her in, but the snow is so deep that I can’t get the door open to get her back inside. I’m tired and I feel old, but I hear from so many people that thirty is nowhere near old. I feel ran down and as if I’ve given out all my creative energies too soon. I’ve used them all up and even my muse can’t get them back.

I don’t feel depressed anymore really. I just feel run down and tired. Ugh.